Tell Me, Who Are You

Likes: Tomatoes. Puzzles. Reading. Swimming. Truth.

Dislikes: Cream corn. Reality shows. Boredom. Liars.

I am a hypocrite, a sloucher, a nail biter, a drinker, and a procrastinator.

Also a musician, a working mother, and a companion.

And a friend, when I'm not used or lied to.

I have a mixture of cowardice and bravery. Cowardice when it involves my own feelings, bravery when it involves others.

I don't have the ability to accurately express myself, especially when I'm offended, angry, or hurt.

And the less people try to find out the cause of these feelings, especially when it's their fault, the more I see their feelings of indifference.

Simple things please me. Polite gestures. Kind words. Getaways, escapes, etc. Appreciation.

No point to this. Just bored writing, random thoughts. Thinking about the things the world sees so little of.

Inappropriate Brutal Incisions

Interesting things. Things worth writing about. I wait for them constantly, and sometimes - like now - a few of them at a time fall into my lap. Might as well start at the beginning, like normal people do. You know, the boring way.

(Not for the weak-stomached folk.)

Last week at work while I was... working... another associate came in to take out the hazardous waste. He finds me, asks me to clean up a small mess for him, some blood on the floor. The bin beside the blood is open, and he says "you don't want to look in there." Well hello. Obviously he didn't know me. Of course I look. It's a leg. A severed human leg. I was shocked... that my stomach didn't start squirming. I just thought "Oh. That's a leg." and got back to work. Then, soon after, I began wondering if the owner of the leg had an alien insect crawling towards his testicles. "Take the leg!! Take it!!" And a while after that, a play on the old Mike Meyers line, "if it's a severed leg I'm going to be very upset."

Yes, I'm completely aware of how inappropriate and insensitive my response was.

So that was first. The second occurred at the beginning of the shift I just got off of. I was told to go clean up a spill in a certain lobby. I get there, start cleaning. Two cops come in with a guy handcuffed between them. As soon as he's in the lobby this guy starts yelling about police brutality and his rights and all that jazz (I have a feeling he was saving this act for when he was inside, with an audience). And he starts struggling, trying to get free. The two cops hang on the best they can, and end up wrestling the guy to the ground a few feet away from me. As this is happening, I calmly take the scissors and putty knife that's on top of my cart and lock them up inside it. (It's probably reckless and stupid to keep them out like that, but it's convenient.) And then I resume my cleaning. The cops lay on the guy til a few other people - including a security guard that may rival John Coffey in size - come in with a gurney and wheel him off. I finished cleaning, made sure an elderly couple that had witnessed the whole thing were okay, and left.

I really didn't mean for the scissors/putty knife line to be the climax. I'm sure whoever read it thought I did something a lot more serious than lock them up. "Shut up and behave or this 1 & 1/4 inches of flat dull metal will mess you up!" says the 5ft skinny-ish housekeeper.

Right.

Annnd the last thing. Next week I have a doctor's appointment, two hours away. With a plastic surgeon, of all md's. There's a lump on my lower neck/upper back that I'm hoping to get rid of. I thought perhaps it would just require a needle, and be drained, but I guess not. I don't really know what to expect. Anesthesia? A gaping hole after? Something that is better, stronger, faster? Well... okay, if you insist. I won't be able to see it anyway.

Silencio Loco

Sometimes I really wonder how people see me. Not the judgmental people, but the people who work the same job as me and consider me their equal. The reason I wonder is, tonight I was told something I've been told a number of times before while at work. It was Jon, a middle-aged guy I get along with just fine. He likes to tell stories, I like to listen. Anyway, we were in the cafeteria. He was on break and I was on lunch. It was me, him, and another worker messing around on one of the computers that are there. There wasn't much conversation, so I was reading (The Hound of the Baskervilles, on my phone) and Jon said something about me needing to settle down, I was making too much noise. As I said, this wasn't the first time this has been said to be. Another time was right after my shift started. A group of us were walking down the halls to get our supplies. I guess I was in my own world, as usual. A coworker nudged me and said "speak, girl. You're too quiet." I tapped my temple and said "not up here." He said "well have some of that come out your mouth." I replied with "bad idea." This past weekend, yet another person urged me to "speak." Also, an ER doc has commented more than once on my quite disposition. So I can't help but wonder, how do these people see me? I truly hope I don't come off as conceited and inconsiderate. While I'm not one to hide in the shadows as much as I used to, I'm also not one to search my mind for something to start a conversation with. I fill silence with... well... more silence. But, I'll gladly participate in a conversation and chime in if I have something relevant to add.

In all honesty, I kind of like when these small comments are made. Makes me feel like people genuinely want to include me, or know more about me.

The ER doc I previously mentioned... He's a riot. Often the highlight of my shift. I call him Self-Proclaimed Crazy ER Doctor (or Crazy ER Doc for short). The first encounter I had with him, I think he was talking to himself or something, and looked at me and said "you prolly think I'm crazy, don't you?" So I asked "are you?" and he just laughed. Another time we were walking past each other. He asked how I was, I said fine and asked the same, and he said "oh I'm crazy." Then, recently, he was jumping around the nurses station and got another doctor to start doing the whole "Superstar!" arms-out pose with him. I observed this and thought to myself, "oh. my. God. He really is crazy. I love this guy."

There really is no point in this post, but I wanted to write and found it particularly easy to tonight. So it's getting posted.

Low

At a low point. Disliking who I am, how I am, what I do.

I must be doing something wrong to be feeling this way. What scares me (and not a lot scares me) is not knowing what I'm doing wrong, therefore, being unable to fix it.

Being unable to avoid feeling both worthless and, at the same time, in the way. Being unable to see the positive and let little things go.

I want peace in my head instead of the calamity that constantly rages. And to look at myself and see contentment and peace in my face, in my eyes. Instead of seeing tension and unease.

I hate how one person can make the difference between a good night and a bad night, just whether or not they're around you. They clearly consider themself better than me, which I interpret by the glares and the way they look down their nose at me. I begin to think "well, you're not better" but then I remember that they're not the one cleaning up after everyone. I am. And so I have no choice but to deal and continue doing my job. And hate what I do.

Postally Pipped

Crummy night at work. Started off bad when I got paged to do something before I had even gotten my supplies together. Seems like they ran me a lot tonight, one job after another. One of the last ones was worth a groan. An urgent care room that recently held a patient with lice. Surprisingly, I don't get many of those jobs. That was my second. Let's keep it at two.

But... home (almost falling over stuff in the dark because it's not picked up and no lights are on for me to see), drink, music, and a bit of venting puts some distance between me and my lousy evening.

There was a Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers song on the radio during my drive home, and I realized that for such a famous artist/band, I have very little of their music. Luckily, this can be an easy fix. Same for Dave Matthews, but I'm a bit less familiar with him. I should probably fix this as well.

I used to take pride in my (what I considered extensive) music collection, til I heard of libraries that had double and then some what I had. I feel as though what I have is put to shame, and work to improve and increase. And I have wised up after a few horrifying experiences... and now keep a backup of all tracks. I feel pretty smug, but watch... that little portable hard drive will crash too.

Almost threw a large metal trash can tonight. As I said, my evening was a bit crappy, with little things setting me off. Almost always, we have to tie knots in our trash bags, both the large and the small bags, to get them to fit the rim of the cans and not end up at the bottom every time someone throws something in. The small bags are a bit more elastic than the large. I tied a large one, was fitting the top around the rim of the trash can. Guess I used too much bag to tie the knot, so the bag rips. Happens sometimes. I try fitting it again, under the rip, but no. It rips more. I basically ripped the trash bag in half, threw it to the side, and had turned around to the trash can before I got ahold of myself.

Like I said. Crummy night.

If You Say So

Type half a sentence. Delete. Sit and think. Type a few more words, delete. Sit and stare at the mental blank that is visualized. Shiver in response to a breeze from the open window. Sway and nod to the music when an especially liked song comes on the ipod.

Interesting... I'm listening to a song (not a full-band song) and I can hear the pages of the music being turned. I've never heard that before. At least that's what it sounds like. (And I would know.)

There's a song by Nick Cave that used to be a favorite of mine. I listen to it now and still really like it, but never really realized how odd it is. It's basically verse after verse of questions and answers, and each question is directed to a different person. I love the trumpet solo in it, and the chorus, even though it's just one line repeated. Perhaps the lyrics aren't all that great, but the instrumentals make up for it.

I applied for a 6-week course of classes and had an interview today. For reasons I don't agree with, it seems I won't be accepted into one of the 6 openings. Since I wouldn't be able to transfer from my current position into the one the classes are for until I've worked there for a year (which is about 7 months away), they seem to think it illogical to allow me to take the course and get certified. I don't agree. I'm not guaranteed a position anyhow, because there won't be 6 job positions open when the classes end. So, what's it going to hurt? Let me take the classes and keep working my current job until something opens up, or I get accepted somewhere else.

That was probably really confusing to read. Sorry.

Good Units, More Elements

Tis Saturday. Er, twas Saturday. About 2 hours ago it ended, as did my shift at work. I'm quite pleased with my work day. I did units, or patient rooms. First time by myself, got about 10 done. I was assigned to the 5th floor, but I ended up spending more time everywhere else. I wasn't looking forward to the disgruntled and/or unintelligible patients in the rooms I had to clean, but luckily, my night did not include any.

I decided to give Elbow's new-ish 'Build A Rocket Boys' album a try, since I love their previous album so much (yes, I was finally able to get past the first 2 or 3 songs). This album's first song has been an instant hit with me. It's a longer one, but worth the time. A few minutes into it, it gets a more electronic sound, and towards the end the music really swells, which I love listening to with earphones.

Most music is better with earphones (or headphones, whichever), at least that's my belief. I'm not one of those typical young people who listen to things loud to show off. The louder the music, at least most of the kinds I listen to, the more elements you can hear in it. There's a video I love to watch and listen to, with earphones in. Pink Floyd's "Run Like Hell" from their Pulse concert. It just sounded so much better than just on computer speakers.

Getting tired of the "not responding" that my laptop has been doing more and more lately. Just... work. Please. Function. For me. I haven't the funds to replace you.

Oooo... "The Night Will Always Win." Another instant favorite. Probably a favorite out of all their music. God I love Elbow.

Damn, the Back Button Syndrome is back.

Currently in pursuit of a beer & pizza night. Dunno why. I threw out the idea in the subtle suggestive way I always use, but no takers. Or at least no one wanting some ale & DoeMeenoe's* at midnight on a Saturday night. I shall remain in pursuit of it, however.

Alrighty. That's it. Tee Tee Eff Inn.

*http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UlExtkU0j7I