Remedial Thongs

A countdown has begun. Less than a month. I'm excited about the vacation we finally get to take after, but my excitement seems to not be shared. My first real vacation since I can remember. My anxiousness is met by indifference. Oh well.

Had tonight off. Helped a bit with the setup of a business, re-arranged the downstairs of the apartment, then made dinner for a couple friends and their young'n. Which went over quite well, thankfully.

I'm listening to some random music tonight, hoping to lift my spirits. The Heavy, Gnarls Barkley, OK Go, Middle Class Rut, QOTSA... Not really in the mood to listen to Elbow. I don't think I'm burnt out, there's just something that made listening to them a great thing to experience, and now it's no longer significant. But, they will remain my favorite band.

Top Gear is still an enjoyment I can add to my day. I know that previously I babbled extensively about the third episode, with the moonshine & flying coupe de ville, but the fifth episode could quite possibly be even better. One thing that's great, haha, of course being a music person, is how they always have 80's-ish music when the camera's on the Fiero. And how they play the National Lampoon's Vacation theme when they show the station wagon.

They (again) have crappy cars, and one of their challenges is to stop midway up a hill, set their parking brake, grab a bowling ball, get back in & take off without their cars rolling away. Well, one of them fails, and ends up climbing out either their driver side door or window as it rolls sideways off the hill...colliding with my favorite guy's car. He says "what is wrong with you!?" and then gets ahold of the bowling ball and throws it at the first guy's car.

Hmm. I may re-watch it. Guaranteed laughs. Sounds remedial.

Out of nowhere, the other day I had "Goodbye Horses" in my head. Generally, that song is associated with perversity and a well-known actor in nothing but an open robe and a wig, standing with his legs crossed.

Doesn't stop me from singing it while in the presence of strangers.

Is there a thong in your heart?
Sorry. Random Whose Line quote.

One downside to being this close to the certain event, I haven't been able to do much outside home and work, because of needing to save money. I haven't been to a movie since May, over 3 months ago. Haven't really been out for drinks since then either. Not that I got many invites anyway.

I was told recently by someone that they were using my method of surviving a bad day. Which includes alcohol consumption and either a video game, favorite tv show, music, or writing. Or a mixture of those. But mostly the alcohol consumption. I almost said that my method has an ulterior motive - to bring about the end of the self hatred, frustration, and hatred of others sooner. While there are those I love and adore dearly, such as my son, his father, and select few others, that I would do anything for - whether it were within my power or not - I hate how I feel. I hate how I see people. And I hate myself for the way I feel. While it's up for grabs whether people in general deserve to be categorized as good or bad, and while I have witnessed occurrences that favor both sides, I seem to view them negatively. In my experience, there is more often someone there that disrupts your life more often than there's someone there to enhance it.

But, luckily, everyday I get to see two faces that make things bearable and put a damper on all the negativity that I seem to tote.

So yeah... Next time you think you're empathizing with someone, you may want to reconsider. There may be more to them and their actions than you know.

Coupe'd

My work night turned out to be crappy and miserable. Between having a cold - where you spend half the night sneezing and the other half feeling like you're gonna sneeze (bridge of your nose and around your eyes tingling and aching) - and being unable to take my half hour lunch break - at all - it quite sucked. Fatigue also played a part.

But! Home sweet home. Concocted a cocktail and re-watching an episode of the show I've started. The U.S. version of Top Gear. I've only seen 3 episodes, and I love it. This third episode, as I said, is worth re-watching. Hilarious. The moonshine episode. Definitely recommended.

I hope they keep this show going. It's really interesting - even to people who aren't car-savvy. The three guys who do it work really well together and make it hilarious.

"Is that your lack of confidence I hear? That is refreshing! I'd like another sip!"

"Pick a number between one and ten."
"Seven."
"Close. Eight. You go first.
"....That didn't sound fair."

"Should we tell him he already crossed the finish line?"
"Nah, let him go."

The Flying Coupe Deville. So incredibly great. And then playing taps for the car... hahaha.

Sorry. Get carried away sometimes.
But seriously... Check it out.

Tell Me, Who Are You

Likes: Tomatoes. Puzzles. Reading. Swimming. Truth.

Dislikes: Cream corn. Reality shows. Boredom. Liars.

I am a hypocrite, a sloucher, a nail biter, a drinker, and a procrastinator.

Also a musician, a working mother, and a companion.

And a friend, when I'm not used or lied to.

I have a mixture of cowardice and bravery. Cowardice when it involves my own feelings, bravery when it involves others.

I don't have the ability to accurately express myself, especially when I'm offended, angry, or hurt.

And the less people try to find out the cause of these feelings, especially when it's their fault, the more I see their feelings of indifference.

Simple things please me. Polite gestures. Kind words. Getaways, escapes, etc. Appreciation.

No point to this. Just bored writing, random thoughts. Thinking about the things the world sees so little of.

Inappropriate Brutal Incisions

Interesting things. Things worth writing about. I wait for them constantly, and sometimes - like now - a few of them at a time fall into my lap. Might as well start at the beginning, like normal people do. You know, the boring way.

(Not for the weak-stomached folk.)

Last week at work while I was... working... another associate came in to take out the hazardous waste. He finds me, asks me to clean up a small mess for him, some blood on the floor. The bin beside the blood is open, and he says "you don't want to look in there." Well hello. Obviously he didn't know me. Of course I look. It's a leg. A severed human leg. I was shocked... that my stomach didn't start squirming. I just thought "Oh. That's a leg." and got back to work. Then, soon after, I began wondering if the owner of the leg had an alien insect crawling towards his testicles. "Take the leg!! Take it!!" And a while after that, a play on the old Mike Meyers line, "if it's a severed leg I'm going to be very upset."

Yes, I'm completely aware of how inappropriate and insensitive my response was.

So that was first. The second occurred at the beginning of the shift I just got off of. I was told to go clean up a spill in a certain lobby. I get there, start cleaning. Two cops come in with a guy handcuffed between them. As soon as he's in the lobby this guy starts yelling about police brutality and his rights and all that jazz (I have a feeling he was saving this act for when he was inside, with an audience). And he starts struggling, trying to get free. The two cops hang on the best they can, and end up wrestling the guy to the ground a few feet away from me. As this is happening, I calmly take the scissors and putty knife that's on top of my cart and lock them up inside it. (It's probably reckless and stupid to keep them out like that, but it's convenient.) And then I resume my cleaning. The cops lay on the guy til a few other people - including a security guard that may rival John Coffey in size - come in with a gurney and wheel him off. I finished cleaning, made sure an elderly couple that had witnessed the whole thing were okay, and left.

I really didn't mean for the scissors/putty knife line to be the climax. I'm sure whoever read it thought I did something a lot more serious than lock them up. "Shut up and behave or this 1 & 1/4 inches of flat dull metal will mess you up!" says the 5ft skinny-ish housekeeper.

Right.

Annnd the last thing. Next week I have a doctor's appointment, two hours away. With a plastic surgeon, of all md's. There's a lump on my lower neck/upper back that I'm hoping to get rid of. I thought perhaps it would just require a needle, and be drained, but I guess not. I don't really know what to expect. Anesthesia? A gaping hole after? Something that is better, stronger, faster? Well... okay, if you insist. I won't be able to see it anyway.

Silencio Loco

Sometimes I really wonder how people see me. Not the judgmental people, but the people who work the same job as me and consider me their equal. The reason I wonder is, tonight I was told something I've been told a number of times before while at work. It was Jon, a middle-aged guy I get along with just fine. He likes to tell stories, I like to listen. Anyway, we were in the cafeteria. He was on break and I was on lunch. It was me, him, and another worker messing around on one of the computers that are there. There wasn't much conversation, so I was reading (The Hound of the Baskervilles, on my phone) and Jon said something about me needing to settle down, I was making too much noise. As I said, this wasn't the first time this has been said to be. Another time was right after my shift started. A group of us were walking down the halls to get our supplies. I guess I was in my own world, as usual. A coworker nudged me and said "speak, girl. You're too quiet." I tapped my temple and said "not up here." He said "well have some of that come out your mouth." I replied with "bad idea." This past weekend, yet another person urged me to "speak." Also, an ER doc has commented more than once on my quite disposition. So I can't help but wonder, how do these people see me? I truly hope I don't come off as conceited and inconsiderate. While I'm not one to hide in the shadows as much as I used to, I'm also not one to search my mind for something to start a conversation with. I fill silence with... well... more silence. But, I'll gladly participate in a conversation and chime in if I have something relevant to add.

In all honesty, I kind of like when these small comments are made. Makes me feel like people genuinely want to include me, or know more about me.

The ER doc I previously mentioned... He's a riot. Often the highlight of my shift. I call him Self-Proclaimed Crazy ER Doctor (or Crazy ER Doc for short). The first encounter I had with him, I think he was talking to himself or something, and looked at me and said "you prolly think I'm crazy, don't you?" So I asked "are you?" and he just laughed. Another time we were walking past each other. He asked how I was, I said fine and asked the same, and he said "oh I'm crazy." Then, recently, he was jumping around the nurses station and got another doctor to start doing the whole "Superstar!" arms-out pose with him. I observed this and thought to myself, "oh. my. God. He really is crazy. I love this guy."

There really is no point in this post, but I wanted to write and found it particularly easy to tonight. So it's getting posted.

Low

At a low point. Disliking who I am, how I am, what I do.

I must be doing something wrong to be feeling this way. What scares me (and not a lot scares me) is not knowing what I'm doing wrong, therefore, being unable to fix it.

Being unable to avoid feeling both worthless and, at the same time, in the way. Being unable to see the positive and let little things go.

I want peace in my head instead of the calamity that constantly rages. And to look at myself and see contentment and peace in my face, in my eyes. Instead of seeing tension and unease.

I hate how one person can make the difference between a good night and a bad night, just whether or not they're around you. They clearly consider themself better than me, which I interpret by the glares and the way they look down their nose at me. I begin to think "well, you're not better" but then I remember that they're not the one cleaning up after everyone. I am. And so I have no choice but to deal and continue doing my job. And hate what I do.

Postally Pipped

Crummy night at work. Started off bad when I got paged to do something before I had even gotten my supplies together. Seems like they ran me a lot tonight, one job after another. One of the last ones was worth a groan. An urgent care room that recently held a patient with lice. Surprisingly, I don't get many of those jobs. That was my second. Let's keep it at two.

But... home (almost falling over stuff in the dark because it's not picked up and no lights are on for me to see), drink, music, and a bit of venting puts some distance between me and my lousy evening.

There was a Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers song on the radio during my drive home, and I realized that for such a famous artist/band, I have very little of their music. Luckily, this can be an easy fix. Same for Dave Matthews, but I'm a bit less familiar with him. I should probably fix this as well.

I used to take pride in my (what I considered extensive) music collection, til I heard of libraries that had double and then some what I had. I feel as though what I have is put to shame, and work to improve and increase. And I have wised up after a few horrifying experiences... and now keep a backup of all tracks. I feel pretty smug, but watch... that little portable hard drive will crash too.

Almost threw a large metal trash can tonight. As I said, my evening was a bit crappy, with little things setting me off. Almost always, we have to tie knots in our trash bags, both the large and the small bags, to get them to fit the rim of the cans and not end up at the bottom every time someone throws something in. The small bags are a bit more elastic than the large. I tied a large one, was fitting the top around the rim of the trash can. Guess I used too much bag to tie the knot, so the bag rips. Happens sometimes. I try fitting it again, under the rip, but no. It rips more. I basically ripped the trash bag in half, threw it to the side, and had turned around to the trash can before I got ahold of myself.

Like I said. Crummy night.