Hare

I think that I have stopped kidding myself that I'm an artist. I may have had a few noteworthy works in my high school days, but not anymore. I try too hard, therefore the results are crap. And sometimes I wait for inspiration to come, and it never arrives.

Mid-term has come and gone. My grades were satisfactory. I guess the hours upon hours of homework and stress paid off. My reward to myself, since there was no interest in celebration, was a couple of hard ciders and a movie at home.

You would think that when your grandmother tells you how proud she is of you for the profession you're training for, you would feel good about yourself. Instead, pessimistic me, I only feel the dread of failure and disappointment when I do something to screw it up. The more pride people have in you, the greater their disappointment.

My Halloween costume sits beside my bed in a heap. I had been looking forward to getting ahold of that particular costume for some time, and now that I have it, I can't help but wonder if I'll have a reason to wear it.

Still Here

Tomorrow begins week 7 of school. I've made it this far. Barely. I have been behind in my Psychology class, which is Human Relations in the Workplace. It's open learning, so it's at my own pace, which is obviously problematic. My own pace is slooow when I have 3 other classes. And next month, October, will be a busy one. A camping trip, a wedding, Halloween... I should be kicking into overdrive to get ahead, but motivation is nowhere to be found.

My computers class is frustrating. The class is 2 days a week. The first day is lectures, and the second is labs and assignments. Yet, none of the labs and assignments have anything to do with the lectures. Then the other day I left my flash drive plugged into the computer I use. It's most likely long gone.

In English class, we had a 100-point, 800-word narrative essay due about a week ago. Right after we handed them in, we started getting lectured on how to do an informative essay. Which will need to be 1,000 words. Oi.

Ah, I mentioned Halloween a bit ago. I bought my costume the other day. Mrs Freddy Krueger. I love it. The hat is rather large, but oh well. My kid's costume is a basic one, nothing special, because it was pretty much the only thing in his size. However, it does suit him.

New Skool

My college days have finally begun. After 5 years of being out of high school. Today was my second day of "classes" and I have tomorrow off. The quotation marks are from my only Monday class, a psychology class, being Open Learning. Meaning, at my own pace, and only seeing the instructor to ask questions. Which, is kind of odd... Human Relations in the Workplace... not taken around people. Hmm.

My online class, medical terminology, seems to be the only one pertaining to what I'm actually going for. And it also happens to be the one I'm currently unprepared for because I didn't receive the textbook(s) needed. A problem that I hope to fix tomorrow.

I held my fear, skepticism, and pessimism at bay for as long as I could. About a day and a half. So now, I'm terrified that I'm not going to cut it. I wasn't expecting computers to be such a contributing factor. And I seem to feel more comfortable in the classrooms. For now, anyway. Maybe that'll change over time.

That's a partial explanation of the downside. The upside is, it's nice having more structure to my day. Get up, take child to the sitter, go to class. Leave, pick child up, go home, make supper, do homework. A couple days, I have about an hour and 45 minutes in between 2 classes. Today I went home for a quick lunch and checked my student account since it had just been activated, but in the future I may go to the gym or exercise room to pass the time. Something I've considered for my spare time since I registered. Take my ipod, get on a bike or stairmaster or treadmill... I wonder if they still make those NordicTrack ski things...

Ta.

Motivation, Such An Aggravation

Hate when I really want to let loose blog-wise, but have nothing to talk about. Same happens with art. I loved art class in high school, the teacher gives you an assignment, whether it be chalk, clay, papier-mâché... Anyway, she would narrow it down, while at the same time giving you options. Such as, she says; we're doing a chalk portrait of a person. You get to choose your subject. I seemed to have the most success with those, because those are what won me art fair ribbons. And now, I just know that I want to create something, I want to be hard at work at what I'm doing... but I guess the motivation is lacking.

Apparently I left my ipod cord at my mom's last time I was there. Which is frustrating. I have acquired music, and then discovered I have no way of transferring it to my ipod. I knew I should've bought a spare one.

I hope to start classes at a community college soon. I know that I should have as soon as I got out of high school, but I had no idea of what to go for at the time. Well, I did, but for me to be successful, it would have required me to go to New York or Los Angeles. Shyeah, like that would have worked out.

And yes, my blog title does consist of song lyrics.

Me thinks mine motivation is spent on keeping the apartment semi-clean, meaning cleaning up after mine child, whom is constantly into everything, and his father, whom is severely lacking in the organizational area. But alas, I have told meself to complain not in this blog entry.

Listening to Dream by the Cranberries, which I know was in The Next Karate Kid (one of my favorites as a kid... Hilary Swank and Michael Ironside... nuff said) but was also in a commercial a while back... but can't remember which. I shall attempt to find out.

Another Trip Around The Sun

I just got back from a journey to Phoenix, Arizona. Eric's dad died a while back and we had to go take care of the estate. We left Monday and got to my mom's this morning around 4. Drove from Albuquerque, NM to her place, straight through, I think 16 hours worth of driving. That's quite a bit.

Along with being our day of return, it is also my birthday (and mother's day). In the few weeks leading up to it, I kept waiting for plans to be made (I'm not really one to make my own birthday plans), hoping someone would maybe express interest in having a fun-filled evening, going out. I don't know why it bothers me that nothing was ever offered, since the trip would have interfered anyway, in the end. I guess that compared to my last few birthdays, this one was very bland and uneventful, and didn't turn out the way I wanted it.

It was nice seeing the western U.S... Got several pictures. On the way to Phoenix, I was completely captivated by the scenery. But leaving Phoenix, I just didn't seem to care. I think we just wanted to get home. We missed our child. If we had more time and money, we would have explored Route 66, seen the grand canyon, visit Roswell NM, maybe spend a day in San Diego... So many things we would have liked to do. Oh well.

Employment Hiatus

Big news. I quit my job. Had enough with being told to do 3 different things, things I already knew I needed to do, just hadn't gotten to them yet, and then 10 minutes later being asked why I didn't have them done, then get told to do 3 other things. Every ten minutes. And then I'd get in trouble because I didn't have my work done to their satisfaction. Well, if you idiots hadn't interrupted me every time I started getting into my task, maybe a bit more would be accomplished.

There was so much I wanted to say to them, so many objects (mostly ones with sharp edges) I wanted to tell them to stick into certain orifices... But I didn't.

So, job hunting shall commence. Not one of my strong suits. Eric has moved back in with me, and we're back together (not just because I'm unemployed), so there's at least some income still present.

Hmm. Guess that's it for now. I'm required to watch Star Wars.

Reunited, And It... You Know The Rest

I have my laptop back and fixed! Drinks all around! Oh that's right, you have to be at a bar or party for that to happen. My bad.

But, how I have missed you, my technological friend.

Watching Dumb & Dumber. Why? you ask. I don't know. Wanted a funny Jim Carrey movie, didn't have Liar Liar. But Dumb & Dumber isn't funny, it's stupid, you say. Sometimes stupid stuff makes me laugh, I reply.

Oh my awesome, magnificent, glorious music is back. God how I missed you. Stereophonics, Muse, Tom McRae, Rubyhorse... You complete me.

Someone I deleted from my facebook has re-requested to be friends! Someone actually noticed there was no longer a connection between us. And made the attempt to reconnect. Good for her. She made an effort to be my friend.

I'm not a high-maintenance person. I just refuse to feel like the effort I put into something (a job, a relationship, a task, etc) is worthless. Therefore I disconnect from what I feel isn't rewarding. I'm aware that I probably have high expectations in today's world, and my pessimistic self says the more expectations, the more disappointments. It seems to be a constant battle within myself. Optimism vs pessimism. And the latter is usually victorious.