Silencio Loco

Sometimes I really wonder how people see me. Not the judgmental people, but the people who work the same job as me and consider me their equal. The reason I wonder is, tonight I was told something I've been told a number of times before while at work. It was Jon, a middle-aged guy I get along with just fine. He likes to tell stories, I like to listen. Anyway, we were in the cafeteria. He was on break and I was on lunch. It was me, him, and another worker messing around on one of the computers that are there. There wasn't much conversation, so I was reading (The Hound of the Baskervilles, on my phone) and Jon said something about me needing to settle down, I was making too much noise. As I said, this wasn't the first time this has been said to be. Another time was right after my shift started. A group of us were walking down the halls to get our supplies. I guess I was in my own world, as usual. A coworker nudged me and said "speak, girl. You're too quiet." I tapped my temple and said "not up here." He said "well have some of that come out your mouth." I replied with "bad idea." This past weekend, yet another person urged me to "speak." Also, an ER doc has commented more than once on my quite disposition. So I can't help but wonder, how do these people see me? I truly hope I don't come off as conceited and inconsiderate. While I'm not one to hide in the shadows as much as I used to, I'm also not one to search my mind for something to start a conversation with. I fill silence with... well... more silence. But, I'll gladly participate in a conversation and chime in if I have something relevant to add.

In all honesty, I kind of like when these small comments are made. Makes me feel like people genuinely want to include me, or know more about me.

The ER doc I previously mentioned... He's a riot. Often the highlight of my shift. I call him Self-Proclaimed Crazy ER Doctor (or Crazy ER Doc for short). The first encounter I had with him, I think he was talking to himself or something, and looked at me and said "you prolly think I'm crazy, don't you?" So I asked "are you?" and he just laughed. Another time we were walking past each other. He asked how I was, I said fine and asked the same, and he said "oh I'm crazy." Then, recently, he was jumping around the nurses station and got another doctor to start doing the whole "Superstar!" arms-out pose with him. I observed this and thought to myself, "oh. my. God. He really is crazy. I love this guy."

There really is no point in this post, but I wanted to write and found it particularly easy to tonight. So it's getting posted.

Low

At a low point. Disliking who I am, how I am, what I do.

I must be doing something wrong to be feeling this way. What scares me (and not a lot scares me) is not knowing what I'm doing wrong, therefore, being unable to fix it.

Being unable to avoid feeling both worthless and, at the same time, in the way. Being unable to see the positive and let little things go.

I want peace in my head instead of the calamity that constantly rages. And to look at myself and see contentment and peace in my face, in my eyes. Instead of seeing tension and unease.

I hate how one person can make the difference between a good night and a bad night, just whether or not they're around you. They clearly consider themself better than me, which I interpret by the glares and the way they look down their nose at me. I begin to think "well, you're not better" but then I remember that they're not the one cleaning up after everyone. I am. And so I have no choice but to deal and continue doing my job. And hate what I do.

Postally Pipped

Crummy night at work. Started off bad when I got paged to do something before I had even gotten my supplies together. Seems like they ran me a lot tonight, one job after another. One of the last ones was worth a groan. An urgent care room that recently held a patient with lice. Surprisingly, I don't get many of those jobs. That was my second. Let's keep it at two.

But... home (almost falling over stuff in the dark because it's not picked up and no lights are on for me to see), drink, music, and a bit of venting puts some distance between me and my lousy evening.

There was a Tom Petty & the Heartbreakers song on the radio during my drive home, and I realized that for such a famous artist/band, I have very little of their music. Luckily, this can be an easy fix. Same for Dave Matthews, but I'm a bit less familiar with him. I should probably fix this as well.

I used to take pride in my (what I considered extensive) music collection, til I heard of libraries that had double and then some what I had. I feel as though what I have is put to shame, and work to improve and increase. And I have wised up after a few horrifying experiences... and now keep a backup of all tracks. I feel pretty smug, but watch... that little portable hard drive will crash too.

Almost threw a large metal trash can tonight. As I said, my evening was a bit crappy, with little things setting me off. Almost always, we have to tie knots in our trash bags, both the large and the small bags, to get them to fit the rim of the cans and not end up at the bottom every time someone throws something in. The small bags are a bit more elastic than the large. I tied a large one, was fitting the top around the rim of the trash can. Guess I used too much bag to tie the knot, so the bag rips. Happens sometimes. I try fitting it again, under the rip, but no. It rips more. I basically ripped the trash bag in half, threw it to the side, and had turned around to the trash can before I got ahold of myself.

Like I said. Crummy night.